Fire Blooded Champions of Surging Cosmic Justice!
by Brainlord
Summary: Continuing the epic saga of Final Fantasy 7 where its clear-as-mud final FMV dumped us off in a haphazard abdication of its narrative responsibilities, the present work nihilistically abuses its open-ended source material to truly deviant effect.
1. Prologue: A Mysterious New Beginning!

With the wild-eyed intensity of an ogre-hearted tiger drunk on pungent catnip the spiky-headed hero _Cloud _dashed about the deck of his enchanted sky-boat, spastically flailing with the glee of sweet victory!

"Take that you blighty clone of a whoring space-vampire!" Shouted the irrepressible zealot, his mental problems flaring up full force as he watched the nasty-as-cancer hell-spawn of the polar crater's netherworldly microcosm razed by the sacred flames emanated by his dead girlfriend. "Sephiroth! Jenova! I've killed you all! I am the valiant purifier of this mangy unkempt Earth!" His motley band of impressively atypical comrades could only look on, extremely discomfited.

Wielding their lustrous beams of all-conquering sacred energy the light warriors had waged their esoteric war against the vile never-ending night of doom-wielding Sephiroth. Their throbbing heroic urges had finally been satisfied watching him die, squirming in an anxious puddle. And now, as the mystical magical power of the _holy_ orb gnawed at the planet in stark disavowal of the human spirit, none of them could know what would happen next! Dare you, dear reader, penetrate this occult mystery?


	2. Chapter 1: Desperate Meteor Strike Go!

Sing! O Goddess Muse, of that blazing bloody-black space-rock that glittered with the chakra-devouring intensity of a thousand howling vampires as they violently copulated in a dreaded noon-time orgy! The cloying husk of celestial-gloom called only _Meteor_ pressed down from outer space, mounting the planet in its mad, ravishing frenzy! The piteous bawling of our _Mother Earth_ reached to the empyreal vaults as she howled against this studly violation of her personal space; candid maelstroms formed in the sea to sing of her woe in a dirge of emotive popular tunes.

But hark! Onward rode the magic _Holy_, its luminous shafts of sanctified energy whipping about in stalwart resistance to the hateful glob of all-devouring frowniness! Churning forth from the frothy depths of judgment's light came dozens of dazzling rainbows with immaculate unicorns riding at their crests, fighting back the horrid darkness with the persistent thrusting of their stately horns! On the radiant unicorn warriors fought, unbearably cute cherubs holding back their voluminous hair of flowing white crystal!

But alas! Perhaps the planetary globe, moping like a common milksop in a veritable fit of self-pitying angst, gave herself to bittersweet surrender, or else the strain of a strange sado-masochistic urge won over her earthy heart, for the murky chunk was admitted to bore within her chthonic folds. Indeed, though the well bludgeoned corpse of Sephiroth lay sopping amidst the psychedelic lightshow and orgiastic choir music of its final citadel, he had succeeded in the scandalous caper of summoning Meteor to shaft the earth he regarded with such misanthropic grumpiness.

As the party watched this wanton display in righteously slack-jawed horror, a tear of heroic brine piddled down the sagacious face of _Red XIII_, the adorable beast-thing Cloud kept as his pet talking-animal. "Those meat-colored flames signify dire peril for the entire earth! We who are wise know them to be the sign of the one called… _Lavos_!"

A collective gasp such as space and time hand never before witnessed wrung its way through the air ducts of the seasoned adventures. "Golly gosh gee!" Cried Yuffie, the team's inappropriately klutzy teeny-bopper ninja, "What else can you tell us!"

"I ruv roo!" The talking animal replied, raising its big dumb snout to the party in a mindless grinning plea for the pandering condescension of human affection.  
"No you worthless hydrant-moistener!" Yuffie shot back, a look of attempted seriousness such as only air-headed teenage girls can manage plastered on her face, "About Lavos!"

"Oh," Returned Red XIII, abruptly resuming his air of inscrutable genius. "When celestial bodies crunch together thusly it can result in an infection being transmitted. Lavos is something like planetary crabs—very serious business mind you! We could end up seriously messed sixty-five million years from now!"

Though seriously unimpressed, the distraction provided by the sight of Cloud kneeling in the fetal position and screaming through his clenched teeth as he vibrated with worrisome intensity quite prevented the party from shrugging off the animal-thing's bloated sense of needful self-importance. What petulant mind-ghost was skewering Cloud's delicate brains that his usual complaint would so forcefully crinkle the gauzy fabric of his psyche? Read on, if you would know.


	3. Chapter 2: Enchanted Havoc in the Aether

"Cloud!" Shouted Yuffie, desperately shaking him against his unsettling spasms, "Are you okay? Do you need to make-out?"

"God help me!" Cried Cloud, a fine spray of blood sputtering from his well-chewed lips, "I was so tripped out and delusional I thought I was this foppish pretty boy soldier called _Laguna_ and I was blasting my way through the dense jungle contra of a hallucinatory world with a wicked-ass machine gun! I think I was trying to escape my own cheesy dance-beat theme song…"

"Don't worry Cloud," Yuffie intoned with distressingly maternal reassurance as she wrapped the bedlamite in her tender, jailbait arms. "It's all over now. We've defeated both Sephiroth and his parasitic Franken-mommy. Neither Meteor nor Holy are wreaking more than token damage."

It was just then that a screaming unicorn toppled blindly from its glamorous rainbow beam and wildly careened into the sky-boat's enchanted engines with a tumultuous crash! A paroxysm of exploding machinery quickly engulfed the pneumatic vessel, shooting a gentle downpour of iridescent glitter lovingly through the air as if in a sentimental epitaph to the gorgeous unicorn paladin.

Before the party could fully recover from the bewitching splendor the ship rolled violently to its portside, pitching a grungy bum-looking wastrel in a ratty flight jacket from out of the ship's bridge. Screaming like a mental patient with a bucket of bees stuck over his head the scruffy guttersnipe strained to master the scalding cup of tea he was oafishly spattering himself with, an open flask of moonshine already well attended in his other hand.

"Captain Cid!" Cried Yuffie. "Is everything all right?"

Slunk over the ship's railing in a stupor of truly gallant proportions the bacchanalian tosspot dauntlessly barked back at the little girl, "Jush a'cauzh I cann' dzhrive doeshn' mean I cann' fly!"

Onward the sky-boat darted, beetling through the sky's drafty circuit in such a mad-righteous ramble as only a failing mechanical contraption assembled in defiance of mankind's native motile limitations could! "Oh cocky-doodle!" Cried Yuffie, her palms pressed to her cheeks with affected Lolita-vapidness, "Now we're all certain to die!"

"Sucka! Shut yo mouf!" Cried Barret, the team's ogrish negro specialist in blasting sundry articles into a fine lead pudding with the minigun jammed into his brachial prosthesis. "Barret gots a real hate-on fo dems 'splosions, fo sho! Sucka! Barret ain't takin' no guff from no-bahdeh! Gonta blast dems flames tuh ho-ville sho!

Roiling in the ebony smoke of half-incinerated engine oil the barrel-chested strongman rollicked fearsomely in the flames, straining to blast the incendiary whiskets out with the incessant nagging of his arm-mounted bullet-tube. Onward fought the Ethiopic wonder, shouting obscenities in his baffling ghetto argot as ill-mannered explosions piteously struggled for attention! Do bad-ass machine guns bear the mystical power necessary to quell air-craft consuming infernos and revolutionize fire-fighting as we know it? Read on, if you would know.


End file.
